A Few Tips for a Safe Separation
Domestic abuse comes in more forms than just physical harm. It can include a partner’s use of emotional, financial and/or sexual coercion to assert control or cause fear. If you are looking to escape an abusive or controlling relationship, it is always best to seek professional help. However, if you are simply looking for some ideas on how to best prepare to leave your partner, this blog offers a few tips to help you separate from a controlling partner safely.
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Plan Ahead
There is no “right” time to separate from your partner. The decision to leave is personal and depends on various factors including finances, alternative living arrangements, and safety. If the risk of harm is not immediate, then planning ahead will put you in the best position for when you are ultimately ready to end the relationship. When the abuse is financial, an important step to the planning process includes setting aside funds. Some ways you can do this discreetly include getting small amounts of cash back when you make purchases at stores, returning items for cash instead of having the balance refunded on your card, and purchasing gift cards in small amounts for later use. To prevent suspicion, it is best to deposit these funds in a new account or otherwise keep them somewhere hidden.
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Establish a Means of Private Communication
When preparing for separation, privacy is key. Abusive partners often have various resources that they can use to track your physical location and online activity. Some tips for acting without their surveillance include getting a prepaid phone so your partner cannot track you. You can share the number with those you trust, but be sure to advise them not to share it with others. Another way you can communicate with others is to create a new email address and limit online access to public spaces like coffee shops and libraries. Finally, if you have found a safe place to go, you can set up a Post Office Box for your mail so that your new address remains private.
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Document Your Actions and Gather Important Documents
If you have time to pick the day you are planning to move in advance, it is always a good idea to document what items you are taking with you and what items you are leaving behind. This can be accomplished by creating lists, taking photos of what you packed, and taking photos of how the rooms in your home looked before you left. If you have the opportunity, another option is to gather necessary items slowly and store them somewhere out of the home so that you have what you need later on. For example, you could take a few items of clothing, shoes, and other belongings out of the home each day over the course of a few weeks or months so that their absence is not immediately apparent, and your partner does not become suspicious.
When creating a list of items to take with you, it is important to make sure you gather essential documents like your driver’s license, birth certificate, insurance cards, etc. If there is other paperwork that is important that you fear will raise suspicion or cause issues if taken, you should at least take photographs of the documents so you have the information if needed.
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Tell People You Trust
As mentioned earlier, planning ahead is ideal if safe to do so. If you do not want your partner to know when you are leaving, then pick a date they are expected to be out of the home. As an added precaution, you should let people you trust know your plans, or ask a third party to be present so that others know and either can check in or step in if necessary. If you have concerns about surveillance, then to avoid being watched on camera you can fake a power outage by turning off the Wi-Fi.
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Contact Professionals
The thought of separation can be overwhelming, but there are various resources you can use to help you through the process. A resource to consider is seeking assistance from mental health professionals with experience in abuse and trauma. Seeking guidance from professionals can help you navigate the complications that come with the relationship and devise a safe plan of action.
Another resource is to seek out appropriate counsel. For the most part, the tips listed above assume that children are not involved and that you will be the party leaving the shared home. Of course, this is not the situation for everyone. In some cases, you may have the option to stay in the home and have your partner excluded from the property instead. An attorney can help explain the legal process and provide you with legal courses of action such as petitions for emergency custody, petitions for the protection from abuse, and/or petitions for exclusive possession.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or are concerned about how to separate safely, please contact a member of our team to see if they can help guide you through the daunting process of leaving your partner.
The information contained in this publication should not be construed as legal advice, is not a substitute for legal counsel, and should not be relied on as such. For legal advice or answers to specific questions, please contact one of our attorneys.